Brainspotting and Weight Loss

17 Apr

Life is not so much about what you can lose. It is about what you can gain! If this is true, how does that fit with weight loss, dieting, and overall nutrition? A healthy lifestyle has nothing to do with dieting or cutting out everything you enjoy. As a human being who lost 160lbs, I learned that obtaining and MAINTAINING a healthy life was about finding what I needed to GAIN. In other words, I had to discover what my body was missing and that is how I lost weight and more importantly created a healthy lifestyle. During my journey I had to overcome barriers and specific traumas related to food and nutrition. These same challenges are what our clients are facing: Trauma related to food, trauma related to weight, and trauma related confidence. Our clients face multiple barriers, including not understanding what their bodies are missing.

Let me share some thoughts on what a psychotherapist can do to help. First, I should say that I am also a Certified Fitness Nutrition Specialist; however, specific food recommendations do not really come on to the scene until a client has worked through other dynamics. So, where do we start?

Read the rest … RMBI blog

Run Forward, Love Forward

16 Nov mile 80ish
Running off course, or back tracking your steps,is an awful experience in an endurance race. In fact, backtracking is demoralizing and takes enormous amounts of energy to bounce back from it. A few years ago I was in a fun 50K trail race. Some very unkind people (a.k.a morons) tore down course markers out in the forest. The lack of trail markers led to me going off course for about 3 miles. It was 3 miles of steep downhill, which only meant I was to run back uphill for 3 miles to get back on course…#boo. Well, I did it and frankly I felt like all that time backtracking was a waste of time that I would never get back. I was not really going forward during that time. And if you’re not going forward you’re wasting effort and energy. However, it was important for me to look at that past mistake and learn going forward. I learned to study courses better and know turnoffs. Once I got back on the trail I had a choice to make… dwell on where I got off course or run forward one step at a time. This had to be a conscious decision. Run forward it was!
You can only go as far as you place your next step, and you’re in a hot mess if that step is way back behind you or too far in front. What am I trying to say here?… If you are wanting progress then you have keep your focus forward, not backward and not too far in the future. This concept is also indispensable in relationships. Let me try to explain…
Looking at the Big Picture
When I prepare for a 100 mile race I always want to learn about the overall layout of the course. I want to learn about the climbs and descents. I want to know what aide stations are most helpful. I like to have and idea about the terrain. All of this information can be daunting and overwhelming… so why do I want to know all of this? Because, when I can look at the big picture I can keep my sight one step ahead of me while knowing that the climb will soon turn to a descent and the rocky terrain will soon turn to smooth single track trail.
How often do we get caught up in a relationship only focusing in the now? It is one thing to be present-minded and another to be overwhelmed by the difficulty of the present moment. Stepping back and considering that the current rockiness will flatten out and the climb can only go so high. Soon the summit comes and thats when you fly down the descent while knowing another climb will be around the corner and still enjoying the moment. How can we love forward and look at the big picture? Recognize that today might be tough but tomorrow can be better and remember why you are trying in the relationship;  however, don’t overwhelm yourself with all that needs to be worked on. Keep your eyes on the next step knowing that relief will come. This moment is not forever.
Learning from the Past and Implementing it Forward
Sometimes the past just stinks. It can be hurtful, distasteful, and downright nasty. The problem is that if you are trying to love and move forward then you cannot be looking behind you for too long. Sometimes after a gnarly climb I like to take a few seconds to stand at the top and look back and reflect on what worked and what did not on that climb. I do this because it will only make me  stronger and more efficient on the next climb.
Why are we holding the past over the head of the one we love the most? Let”s be real about this. If you are perfect then feel free to hold the past over your loved one’s head. If you believe that past behavior defines the rest of our lives then don’t forgive. Now, I say this as someone who has had to dig deep and ask for forgiveness time after time and would not blame my  wife for not forgiving me… but she does.
So, what would it look like if you stood right where you and your loved one are at and looked back for just a few minutes (maybe hours) at the hard climb you’ve been on and evaluate what worked and what did not? Then openly discuss if you feel hurt for being left alone on the trail or shoved off it by one another. If you are not actively trying to love forward and work on learning from the past and forgiving for the past then it is your fault. By default, you are choosing to look backwards while trying to move forward. It does not work that way… you will get trail rashed and that sucks.
Do not talk about all that you “should” make better. That will just create guilt and lead to no actual behavior change. Instead, talk about what you are going to do today to implement better decisions and connection. This is what I mean when I say love forward one step at a time while learning from the past and implementing it forward.
So, Run Forward and Love Forward, and Endure well… with a smile!
-Dr. Brazier

Creating and Strengthening Your Place of Refuge

2 Nov IMAG0077


It doesn’t matter whether your refuge is a place never or frequently visited, imagined, a religious edifice, house, or nature. What matters is you can get there through imagery or actually visiting it often. The world throws us enough craziness and chaos; thus, your place of refuge is something sacred and personal.

As for me, I have many places including my religions temple and church. My home is a refuge. In addition, I have a place that is always a calm and sacred place to me. The location is   39.9822° N, 105.3017° W. This is a place where I run to in the mountains. It is a saddle located on Green Mountain outside of Boulder. My spot is a place where I’ve prayed, meditated, listened to some good ole John Legend. It is a place where I have searched my soul. I don’t allow just anyone to go to my spot with me. I keep every memory of it safe and protected. A place where only someone so close to me can share. This is because every time in life when I feel a lot on my shoulders and heart I can seek it by foot or through imagery!

So, where is your place? Think of where you feel 100% tranquility! Now, how can you visit your refuge often? You can get there anytime by the following these steps… What I refer to as the 4 S’s.

Smell! What does your refuge smell like. I sure hope your refuge is not the bathroom 😜 ! My place smells like the forest. It smells like fresh air. For a certain reason a soap smell (Ponche)

reminds me of it. Also, I have a couple essential oils that take me there. Find the smell that takes you there. Smell is the most powerful sense to guide you in retrieving a memory. Smell does not go through any switchboards in the brain to access vivid memory. Thus, smell is first and foremost.

Sound! What do you hear in your place? I hear the wind blowing through the trees. I hear random steps in the woods from friendly creatures! I hear the stillness that cannot be recreated. I have listened to certain songs up there that will take me right back when heard again. I hear the trail and my foot connecting. The voice of special people who have been there with me is always a reminder.

Sight! Your vision of your place needs to be vivid. Pay attention to colors and every little detail. I see an abundance of green, yellow, brown, blue and clear skies. I see the stillness of beautiful peaks and valleys.

Sensations! What do you feel externally and internally? That question can sound a bit weird, I know. So, first what do you feel externally… what do you feel on your skin? Notice the air, the breeze, or stillness. Next, what do you feel internally… pay attention to where you feel the most tranquility and peace in your body. Do you feel your stomach relax? Or, is it that your head feels lighter? It might be helpful to do a full body scan both externally and internally when visiting your refuge, which will help you become more aware.

Now, that you know your place and you have become aware of the 4 S’s associated with that place I want to help you strengthen and access that place frequently. First, you must know that you can access this place while sitting at your desk, in the bath, or anywhere that you can find quiet. However, I suggest you also find a form of movement through which you can access your place of refuge. This could be through walking, running, yoga, or any other type of exercise. Why do I suggest that you also find a place during which you are moving to access your special place? Because I am addicted to exercise?…absolutely not! Instead, we obviously know that exercise is healthy. Moreover, we know that when we are using what is called BiLateral Stimulation (BLS) we are more effective at processing both cognitively and somatically (meaning in the brain and body). BLS is when we are simultaneously activating both hemispheres of the brain. In other words, we are allowing our brain to function at it’s best. Consequently, two important things happen. First, our prefrontal cortex is more fully activated, which leads to the the second part. We are then able to more vividly get to our safe refuge because our brain is functioning at its optimal level. BLS can happen in many ways but in this post I am only discussing it as when we are physically moving and using both sides of our body in this movement. Geez, that can get deep quickly. I hope I did not lose you :) If so, email me!

You might ask, how exactly am I accessing my place without going there? First, allow you self to go through the steps of the 4 S’s in your mind. This is called imagery. By going through these 4 S’s you are activating and integrating multiple sensory pathways in your brain and body. The more senses involved the more vividly you can  visit your place of refuge from miles away. For example, I like to get to my safe refuge while running around my small town even though my refuge is still 20 miles away I can get there mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. While I am out on a run I start to go through the 4 S’s. Starting with smell, then the following: sound; sight; sensations. I allow myself to drift in to this. Sure, my thoughts get scattered but the more I practice the easier I can feel the tranquility  and peace of visiting my refuge. I also like to get to my refuge while visiting my religious temple and while in my own home. I can discuss in a later post of how to use BLS while remaining sedentary to help enhance the vividness and overall experience. And no I am not referencing smoking, eating, or snorting anything whacky. :)

Do this as an exercise when calm so it can work when feeling stressed. What I mean by that is it might be a good idea to practice this daily. Allow yourself 10-15 minutes each day to sit down and get to your place. Again, do it while you are calm. If you start out of the gate and try this while you are overly stressed and in a escalated moment you will inevitably struggle and fail. It could likely backfire. Pick a time each day and make it a time to create and strengthen your safe refuge.

This is not a way to teach you how to avoid. Rather, this is a tool to use to help you engage more fully in your life and endure through the crud that comes your way. It is a way to help you take control of what you can and let go of what you cannot. Don’t fight the chaos, create the peace you want in your life!

-Dr Drew Brazier

What the heck is Depression anyway?

30 Oct crying

Depression is not a choice. Now, before you throw your arms up and start yelling at me I ask that you consider what is and is NOT depression. With all the current light shed on to depression, suicide, and mental health I have been asked much more lately my professional stance on depression. I want to break it down much further beyond just outlying the symptoms and signs of depression. I mean, after all, we could all look at the diagnostic criteria of depression and slap ourselves with a hefty diagnosis.

Before I dive any further into the nitty-gritty, I want to establish an overriding concept that ought to be pervasive for ALL mental health diagnoses. No one is “a depressed person”, “an ADHD kid”, or “the bipolar guy.” In essence, I am saying no one is the diagnosis that is present in their life. You are you, not a diagnosis. Identifying oneself by a diagnosis forfeits the reality of who you are as a human being and causes you to limit yourself to the restrictions associated with depression. I had to put that out there before we go any further!

What is the difference between stress, sadness, and depression? Well, just because you have stress does not mean you are “depressed.” Stress means you are alive, your heart is beating. Stress drives us to perform. Too much stress overtime can possibly lead to depression but not always. A few days of stress does not indicate you are experiencing depression. Therefore, enjoy stress and try to limit it at the same time. Good luck with that ☺ Moving on to sadness. Just because you are sad does not mean you are experiencing depression. Sadness is not necessarily a negative emotion. Sure, it hurts at times, but if we didn’t  have sadness would you enjoy happiness and know what being happy even is? No! Now, if sadness carries on for an extended time you might be falling in to a depressive episode. Basically, the point I want to drive home first here is that stress and sadness happen to everyone and it does not mean you are experiencing depression.

We always see the criteria listed for depression, which are simple signs/symptoms that might indicate one is experiencing a depressive episode. That is, when one has a loss of interest or pleasure in ordinary activities for at least two weeks, accompanied by at least four of the following symptoms:

  1. Significant weight loss when not dieting, or weight gain, or change in appetite.
  2. Insomnia or hypersomnia nearly everyday
  3. Activity level slow down or increases
  4. Fatigue of loss of energy
  5. Feelings of worthlessness or excessive guilt
  6. Diminished ability to think , concentrate, or make decisions
  7. Recurrent thoughts of death or suicide, or suicidal ideation, or a suicidal plan or attempt.

(The symptoms must not be due to the direct effects of medications, druges, or a physical condition, and must not be a simply grief reactions.)

***It is important to note that these symptoms best describe how depression presents in females. Frankly, psychiatry has done an awful job of describing how depression manifests in males. Thus, I am currently writing a book on “Manpression.” 

I teach graduate students how to diagnose and my question is always so what do these symptoms really mean? What the crud is really going on? Is he/she just choosing to be negative or stay sad? I want to get in to that… the stuff that is rarely talked about. The actual process that is happening physically, physiologically, biologically, neurologically, and so on. Also, what is happening with the heart rate? What is happening with hormones? The whole purpose in asking these questions, and answering them, is so you can see what depression really is. It is not just some set of symptoms.

Neurochemicals: What’s that got to do with it? Everything! 

I always hear people say that the depression they are experiencing is not just depression; rather, it is a chemical problem. #thetruth: Depression always involves chemical imbalances. When your body and brain experience ongoing (at least 2 weeks)/ excessive sadness, guilt, and other depressive symptoms neurochemicals are going to reduce in production. Your dopamine, norepinephrine, and serotonin decrease. Now, on the flip side it could be that an unkown reduction of these neurochemicals could lead to inexplicable depressive symptoms. This means something else in your mind/body could have led to reduction of these chemicals resulting in other depressive symptoms. Its kind of that whole chicken or the egg thing. So, it always has something to do with chemical imbalances, but that does not mean you can just use medication to overcome it. And no, I am not saying psych medication is totally bad. I am just saying depression is so complex that it would be foolish to only depend on one method ( and a method that is most often placebo)  to overcome such a complex problem.

A Medical Issue?

Depression symptoms could be a result of several medical issues. I do not feel comfortable treating a client if they have not done lab work with their med doc. Specifically, I like to hear about thyroid levels, testosterone, and vitamin D. I also would like clients to look at adrenal malfunction, Addison’s disease. In females, you will want to check your estrogen levels, just as important as men checking testosterone. I would also like to hear about Vitamin B levels. I would like to find out if the client has had concussions or suffered seizures. These are just a few things to consider. Basically, I am suggesting that you don’t want to just chalk your symptoms up to depression. Looking at all possibilities, including medical issues is absolutely imperative.

Yes, Your Food Could be a Problem

The Brain Bio Centre reports that the most significant problem in regards to nutrition causing mood symptoms is unbalanced blood sugar levels. So, What does that mean? Well, when we eat carbohydrates they turn into glucose and raise our blood sugar levels. If we eat too much carbs, or carbs loaded with gluten, our blood sugar levels spike and come down hard. This causes mood instability. Furthermore, going an entire work day without eating causes a major drop in blood sugar levels and problems with mood. Then after you don’t eat all day and get in a load of carbs at night you spike your blood sugar and then drop drastically. Continuing to do this day after day your body is dysregulated… how do you expect to have a stable mood. My advice, stop acting like your food doesn’t matter. It is your fuel.

You might also want to consider the fact you are not supplying your body with sufficient amounts of chromium, a mineral that helps insulin pump properly. Foods that can help with this are broccoli, barley, oats, green beans, tomatoes, romaine lettuce, and black pepper.

You might also consider the fact your not getting sufficient sources tryptophan, an amino acid that is converted into the neurotransmitter serotonin (5HTP). Foods you might want to consider would be spinach, eggs, sesame seeds, halibut, lobster, crab, quail, turkey, and soy protein….just to name a few.

We could go on and on about nutrition and mood; however, I would consider the above mention items if you feel depressive like symptoms. Actually, I would highly recommend being proactive  and getting these in to your nutrition plan now!

Could it be a Spiritual Problem?

Whether you are religious or not, is not the debate here. We are all spiritual beings for whatever that means to you. Some believe in God, Buddha, higher power, the universe, energy, and so on. The fact of the matter is that if you are out of balance/touch with your spirituality it can become a problem. This can start to look like a mild depression and make your question yourself and the world around you. It is not taboo to consider how your spirituality is affecting your mood. In fact, you need to seriously reflect on your sense of personal spirituality.

A Neurological Perspective

Technology has advanced in a tremendous manner! Those who can afford it may seek out a fMRI, which measures brain activity by looking at changes in blood flow in the brain. This a costly measure, but due to ongoing research, specialists are able to identify multiple mental health disorders through use of fMRI.

At the end of the day, depression can look like all sorts of issues. At the same time, it is important to not mistake a different medical or external stressor as organic depression. I hope this post can help you see that depression is not just simply a way of thinking. It is serious; however, it is not a life sentence to sadness or anger. It is treatable and can be overcome. Sometimes it just takes a little more than will power. One can choose to Endure and find their way forward!

Overcoming Stagnation- Pony Express 100

27 Oct

IMG_0622The opposite of success is NOT failure. Rather, the opposite of success is indifference, or stagnation. I was faced with this the past few months. Walking off the course of an ultramarathon is something I do not do. However, this September at mile 46 in the Bear 100 I earned a DNF while walking off the course. It was an awful day. Out of 18 ultras I had only earned a DNF one time, due to having the flu.

For a few days post Bear 100 I felt crummy and considered just not getting back out for an ultra next year and giving up on my goals. Yeah, that lasted about 72 hours. Quickly, I realized I was doing more than failing, I was settling with the pathetic state of indifference and stagnation. A sickening recognition. Accepting failure is okay but becoming apathetic and indifferent is the true problem here and a fast moving trap waiting to suck us, as humans, down.

So, Tuesday after the Bear 100 I signed up for the Pony Express 100, which was 2 1/2 weeks away. Uh oh! Taking my first steps back out of temporary stagnation. The excitement  crept back in to me. I am a true believer in the theory that behavior precedes motivation. This behavior of signing up was the only behavior I needed to start feeling motivated.

Nothing like arriving in Salt Lake City at 11:30 pm and waking up for the race at 3:30am! Oh well, it worked. I slept the whole 60 minute drive from my sisters house to the start line. Rolling out of the car a few minutes before running a 100 miler is the way I prefer anyway. After all, I have all day long to stretch out and get moving. :)

Pony Express 100 is flat and fast. The danger on this course is moving too fast those first 50-60 miles. By mile 20, about 3hours and 20 minutes in to the race I was convinced that I was in accordance with my strategy to Endure the entire 100. I had not been anaerobic and was feeling relaxed. I had avoided the pit fall of moving too fast and stayed steady. Sure, I could have kept my miles to below 8 min/miles; however, that is short-sided thinking and short-sided thinking is rarely helpful in life.

Nutrition and gait! That was my mantra during the first 60 miles. I wanted to get to mile 95 and still have to pee. So, I did just that! Hydration while running  an ultra is not just as simple as drinking water. Rotating between electrolyte drink and water is essential. However, I hit a small problem with that whole keeping a balanced gait…

IMG_0630Mile 38, I hit a hole in the trail and my knee popped. One of those “pops” where you can feel and hear it. Ouch! I convinced myself that it was just a little pain and all would be well. By Mile 50 (about 10 hours in to the race), I started to feel the pain in the knee and asked Shayna for ibuprofen. I do not typically take NSAID’s during races but I had no choice. My knee pain was causing nausea and pain was radiating down my legs.

IMG_0632Also around mile 50 my sister, Heidi, started running with me. Yay!! I love running with Heidi. She is so experienced and frankly should be paid for how well she can get in my head and keep me moving. She is a stick of dynamite. Between her and Shayna keeping me positive during the ENTIRE race, I was truly blessed!

IMG_0671 IMG_0672Heidi and I took off and from miles 48-62 we maintained good pace. Nausea came back and kicked me in the face for about 6 miles. Mile 68 is the only place on the course with a real aid station. I told Heidi and Shayna to get me a blanket and chair and I needed 20 minutes to sleep and get my pain and nausea down. So, I quickly fell asleep. Getting out of that chair and moving again was awwwwwwful! Some really nice cheery fellow was trying to speak Spanish to me, which I typically love to converse in Spanish, but I had to tell him I could barely even comprehend English at this moment. I tried to start walking and my knee was so swollen and stiff. I wanted to throw up. I contemplated just throwing up and getting on with it. Instead, Heidi told me to take a minute and reminded me to just be steady and the race was going to develop well. I am a strong night runner and the night was upon us!

Nothing like a nap on a rock. About mile 76, I found myself very sleepy. Caffeine was doing nothing for me. I think the hectic week leading up to the race was wearing on me. I could not settle for sleepiness slowing me down. After all, I would have several months after the race that I could sleep! But, I asked Heidi to give me three minutes to sleep on this comfy rock along the trail. I had a few nice dreams and she awoke me! It was time for a nice little climb up the pass!

Made it up to the top of the climb (mile 80) at 1am. I felt so good knowing that I had 5 hours to make it 20 miles. We kept a decent pace from miles 80-84. Then the pain was screaming at me. Usually, in a 100 mile race I accept pain as part of running a far distance. This time it was more than that. My knee was not wanting to move. I was dragging it along. I got slower and slower and was trying to just keep a forward motion. I could not become stagnant.

Heidi has dealt with a number of hip issues over the past years and her hip was getting tight. I could see how she was dealing with her pain… and she was doing it for nothing more than to see me finish. Frankly, that was enough motivation to keep moving forward. Her and Shayna were up for the entire 25 hours that I was out there! No excuse to quit when people are sacrificing. Besides, it was actually a lot of fun being out there and enduring and accomplishing.

25 hours, 27 minutes later… I finished and prepared myself for a nice nap! I had overcome the glimpse of stagnation and pushed myself forward! Thank you everyone both near and far for your positive thoughts, prayers, and energy!


Running THROUGH Trauma

24 Sep

005My answer never changes. You ask, “Drew, why do you run 100 miles?” I respond, ” Funny you ask, I was just wanting to ask why you don’t run 100 miles.” If we are built to move and built to run it’s really not so abnormal. Maybe the real abnormal is what we have normalized… physical inactivity. Okay, that is just a rant to get some emotion going. Think what you want about my opinion :) I guess before I truly stop that rant I must say I am not necessarily suggesting that everyone must run 100 miles; rather, I am arguing that moving for an extended period of time is not all so bad.

Two and a half weeks ago I ran the UROC 100k, a grueling 62 miles on the Colorado Trail and Copper Mountain trail system found in the heart of the Rockies. A race that either went up or down peaking four times close to 13,000 feet. It was a blast! Now, I find myself just 48 hours away from embarking on a journey that feels like a life of its own, the Bear 100.

44,000 feet of elevation change is what I will be attempting in this race. 100 miles of beautiful fall colors through the morning, day, night, and then morning again. Doesn’t that just sound exhilarating? Of course! Here’s what I am really facing though, trauma! Let me explain.

You always hear about the post 100 mile depression that some runners slip in to after completing a 100 mile race. It happens. As a psychologist and an endurance athlete I would venture to say this isn’t exactly termed accurately. I believe it is best defined as acute stress disorder, and I am serious. Acute stress disorder is what happens to someone after a significant trauma in their life and if the symptoms are prolonged for several weeks turns in to PTSD. As enjoyable a long race can be the body and mind experience multiple significant stressors that can be perceived as trauma by the body and deep in the brain, in the limbic system/amygdala to be precise. So, why do I talk this psychobable in relation to my current situation? Just keep reading…

I am not necessarily diagnosing myself with acute stress disorder from my last race, specifically because it is not interfering with my life; however, I am saying it is only natural to have some symptoms related to the trauma my body/mind went through 19 days ago. Now, I am preparing to toe the line in two days and I still get a little panicked when I reflect on the UROC 100k. This means that the moment my body/mind starts to struggle during this race I could be susceptible to a serious low spot and possibly threaten my race. And that, my friend, is why I am attempting two big races so closely together. It is my attempt to see how deep I can go. It is to see if I can Endure. It will only only allow me to grow as a person.

The question is still sitting there unanswered, “How do you prepare for the recent trauma being triggered in this race, Drew?” In the therapy I use most often, Brainspotting, we use a technique called “resourcing.” I adapt it to preparing for this race by spending a few minutes each day reflecting back on sensations in the body I felt during difficult times of the UROC race. When I allow my body to feel those sensations in present moment I then shift my attention to a full body scan to notice where I feel grounded, or tranquility, in any other area of my body. I breathe into that tranquility and ask my body what it needs to generalize that tranquility to the areas in my body that are associated with the traumatic sensations. As this happens, my heart rate slows and my blood flow shifts in my brain that allows me to feel like I am not in a threatening situation and the trauma is no longer happening. This preparation allows me to be ready for the moment during the race when I am triggered I can ground myself in the areas of my body that maintain any bit of tranquility. Geeeez, that is deep!

So, now I am sitting here driving across famous Wyoming. Well, I am not driving… that would be dangerous. I am enjoying this moment with my family and having conversations with my kids about dogs chasing cats, poop, and peeing on the side of the interstate, which is the true joy in life.

I hope you enjoy your week!

Dr Brazier

Running With, Not Away From, Emotion

11 May


The past few moths have been riddled with high emotions and life challenges. I knew going into this race that I had a lot on my mind and a heavy heart. I could have just not run the race and avoided facing my deep thoughts; however, that would be weak. I could have turned to substances to “numb” the pain, but that is not an option. Instead, I chose to take off into the woods all day and allow myself to process some deep, deep thought and emotion. 

Sitting on a rock about 30 yards off the trail on top of a mountain I found myself on my knees in thought and prayer. About 13 miles into the Quad Rock 50 tears began to fill my eyes and they could not stop. I did not want other runners to worry for me, as ultra runners care about one another and surely would check in on me. Thus, I wandered off course and spent a painful 20 minutes allowing the anguish to run its course. The emotion was strong. However, I could not be hypocritical and try to avoid emotion. After all, I teach people every day the importance of sitting with feelings. There is no such thing as negative emotion. It might be painful but it’s not negative. 

After a good 20 minutes passed I felt more calm and ready to keep running. I thoroughly enjoyed the summit of Horsetooth Mtn. and the steep trails. I found myself experiencing drastic shifts of emotion. I didn’t try to tune out anything.  I wasn’t there to win the race. I was there for training and to finish…and enjoy running in such a gorgeous environment.About every hour I found myself wandering off to a rock sometimes sitting and sometimes kneeling. As the race went on I noticed more energy and good physical strength. I felt, and feel, great physically. 

I’ve never won an ultra marathon; in fact,  the best I’ve done is 3rd on a 12-hour race. I’ve never been last in an ultra marathon either. Usually, I finish in a reasonable time, and if it’s not reasonable I at least finish :) Nonetheless, I woke up this morning feeling so positive and a much stronger man for allowing myself to experience and not avoid and to finish hard things! 




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